Life…
Posted on July 17, 2010Its not always easy to be in high spirits. Sometimes it is important to just be yourself and be honest to yourself. After what all happened in the past one year, life has changed 180 degree. It seems that I have to build my self and my emotions from scratch. I feel so dry and messed up. I have developed a new problem for myself- The habit of forgetting stuff. Yes, I have now started loosing my concentration. As if my mind is focusing on something very distant. I tend to forget things. Very trivial things. The world Trivial reminds me of HIM. Infact, a lot of things remind me of HIM. It is not really possible to let go of this entire issue so easily. I was in love with HIM and now we are no more together. He has found some one in HIS life and I am still struggling to just stop loving HIM.
My boss says that I am messing up a lot here on breakinthecode. I am not clear with what I write. How can I be clear boss, when I am not clear with what I want from my life. Sometimes unexpected sadness creeps in. I am fine one moment and the next moment I am lost. Even when I am with people. He used to say,”you behave as if you are the only one who is heartbroken and in pain”. Yes dear, for me, the world around me is fine. I am just trying to grapple with my own self.
Not that I never try. I do try to be happy but then, now I have to TRY to be happy.I have everything, fun,sex,friends,family,men. All I dont have is the excitement of living, the joy of waking up in the morning and smiling. Days are tough and lonely and unfortunately no one can take away this loneliness except HIM.
HIM….the only man who I thought would support me till the end without being selfish.Who would understand me and never leave me thinking, that I should move on, who would know that my happiness is with HIM and not without HIM.
Its Great To Be BAD!!!
Posted on July 13, 2010Its kind of sad that I am no more the person who cared for other people’s emotions. Sad, not for me but for those other people… Welcome the devil me!!!! I do realize what wrong I am doing, but it no more depends on the happiness of others. I have led a life enough to satisfy my soul that I was not a bad human being once and I lived with morals that meant happiness of all but, c’mon, its too much for me to tolerate now!
Its Good To Be Bad
Live for their happiness, make sure nothing hurts them, take all their nonsense and in the end they with beautifully wrap their intentions in emotional words and fake excuses and dump you to sulk and cry alone. You slog your ass for the world and they fuck you in the end and give dumb excuses to escape.
It is better to make your intentions clear to the world and live your life on your terms and conditions. Trust me, the world does not bother. If you think making sacrifices would make you a better friend of some one or a better lover then baby, you are sadly mistaken.
So please, live for yourself, do what gives you happiness. No one is interested in your pain an especially the ones who are the root cause of it. People will talk for some time and then move to the next hot topic!
So go out..cheat, hurt and Win..this is your life and you should always get what you want. If you do not get it by the good way , the bad way is always open for you. But yes, if you want to win then learn to play samrt and safe!
Party Time For All…
Posted on July 09, 2010Honestly, I am in no mood to write today. However, the day that went by CANNOT be missed from registering here. Today I completed one year to my breakup. Yes, today was my breakup anniversary with HIM! And you know what! I had a breakup party at my place. Those 4-5 hours were the most emotionally, sexually as well as mentally satisfying for me! I had friends come over. I gave a breakup speech as well….here it goes
time to party
I cannot forget that there was some one in my life who actually fooled me to believe that love exists. He made me feel special. So special that no one ever did (a guy in the audience frowned!). I loved HIM and I do not need to to justify to bloody any one the parameter of my feelings for HIM. He hurt me and I still stood by HIM and took refuge in HIS friendship. But I thought myself to be weak..but in reality I was the one who was strong. I took all HIS nonsense, HIS attitude, His arrogance and did not regret ones. But today, when I look back I have my last innocent prayer for him. GOD PLEASE TAKE CARE OF HIM.GIVE HIM GOOD HEALTH,HAPPY FAMILY AND SUCCESSFUL CAREER.MAY HE GET THE MOST LOVING PARTNER.PLEASE FORGIVE HIS SINS AND MAY HE NEVER GET WHAT HE GAVE ME….LET ALL MY LOVE TURN INTO BLESSINGS AND FOLLOW HIM TILL THE END.
To the man who ones made be believe that love exists…Amen!
and after that there was no end to the booze! I don’t remember what exactly I yapped after that but, I do remember thanking my friends for being there, having a close dance with my friend (the same guy who frowned!) and rest was as they say history 
Tough…But Not Impossible
Posted on July 05, 2010My fault, my stupidity and I suffer. Now I realize how stupid I have been and that is why I am suffering like this. I have many apologies to make. To people who love me, to the ones who warned me, to people who advised me and to the ones I ignored in this journey of LOVE. I have a stagnancy that once could never even come close to me. But now, I am thankful that I am alive…thanks to the medical sciences that have kept me going so far. Touching death and coming back is an experience that no one can explain. Its divine and peaceful but when you realize that you are alive, there is a sense of responsibility that takes over. The realization that you are born for a mission and no matter how hard you try you will never be able to escape life until you fulfill it.
Today through this post I beg you all to please treasure your life and move towards the goal that you have to achieve. Depression can swallow you without even letting you know.. and its like some painful memory trying to escape but is lost inside you and in order to suppress it, you suppress the happiness and the will to keep forging ahead as well.
I want to apologize to every one who has ever suffered because of me and thank you, for really caring for me even when I was too blind to appreciate your concern and notice that concerned frown on your face when I faced hell with stupidity.
I promise I will live up to your expectations. It is tough, it has always been…but not impossible…..
This might be a new beginning or a dead end..any ways I will fight for my happiness and yours…
… Hi……
Posted on June 25, 2010I never wanted to see YOU unhappy…Thought YOU wanted the same for me. I am sad. Again…and this time I will not lie to myself. I am trying my level best to actually forget HIM. I know I have this feeling in me that why is it that even after being in such great mood I slip into this stage. I do not feel like sleeping, I do not feel like getting up,restlessness and body ache all the time. Feeling of emptiness in my heart remains as a permanent feature. It is going to be so long that I hav’nt felt free and independent. I am scared of crowd, cannot cross the road on my own…Creepy shit you know..stuff that I thought could never happen to me.
When, how I became like this I don’t know. These regular mood swings are visible even in my posts. If only I had some one to trust. To be with and not be scared of getting hurt. But, who? People are so hell obsessed with there lives, that it seems almost impossible to find some one who would be interested in my life. These are the secrets of a women who suffers loneliness every moment. Now it is quite evident in my behavior. The contradictions that I make in my own statements are surprising. Like I mentioned here. Not trusting some one but, still wanting some one to come……
